unchained melody

you're doing it again. fucking with my mind. the way that you do. carelessly. thoughtlessly. cruelly. i'm doing it again. making resolutions not to put up with your nonsense and inanity. inflicting on you the silence. my non-violent protest.

though the sun in your eyes made some of your lies worth believing (1), i refuse to play the helpless victim. caught in your web of treachery. i have been planning my escape. slowly pulling away. each day i try to love you, want you, miss you a little less. but by the day is through, my resolve is weak and my will broken. humbled at my dependence and utter uselessness. you have me eating out of your hand and exploit this to your advantage. incredibly easy to say the right words, push the right buttons and stoke me into a state of acquiescence. needless even to right your wrongs. you can count on me to overlook them. plan as i do, scheme as i try, i can't break away from these chains that bind me to you.

yes. these chains. my baby's got my locked up in chains(2). cuffs. manacles. irons. shackles. sometimes solid and heavy. the metal scrapes my wrists raw. your heavy collar weighs on me and drags me down with you. down to the deep, dark abyss of your soul. yet other times, manifest in the form of silk scarves. satin. chiffon. fur. velvet. caress my wrists ever so delightfully. though fighting them contorts these silken pleasures into weeds that choke, thorns that prick and nettles that sting. no room for guesses. i don't know when you're gonna make your move(3).

my nefarious schemes of escape are kept from you. for you have become so adroit at managing me, massaging me, kneading me. like putty in your hands. so desperate, ravenous weak and powerless. over you(4). my secrets are to your disadvantage of course, but consider the weakness you drive in me and you will see that i have merely leveled the playing field.

many times, i had come close, very close to breaking away from you. my chains, once strong, sturdy and reliable had rusted and disintegrated. giving me my means of extrication. but just as i had been about to cast my hated cuffs of subjugation behind, i glanced into your sleeping face. and that was to be my undoing. bewildered at the gamut of emotions, i rattled my manacles- frantic, frenzied, desperate. waking you from your slumber. without batting an eyelash, you wrenched the freedom that was in my grasp, smirking at me the whole time. still smirking, you bound me with silk, seduced with smooth words, soft caresses. then you let your love abound. and you bring me to my knees(3). my plan had failed, but i was too caught up in the moment to care. the next morning, i woke to find myself, once again, clad in those humiliating shackles. shining. brand new. stronger than ever. i was not to break away again. not for a while. and not as easily as before.

perhaps. i never wanted to walk away. i can't and i won't. caught in the quagmire of emotions, i had chosen to rattle those dreaded chains, to wake you from your poisoned memories(5). i wanted to be seduced into your arms, into your silk scarves, into those chains. over and over again. i was on to every play. i just wanted you(3).

how long more before i tire of playing with this bow and arrow? gonna give my heart away. leave it to the other girls to play.(6) how much more do you want to put me through? before my heart is black and my body is blue(7)? how many more near-escapes? before i split for good?

this is exactly what my melodrama is. a warning. a wake-up call. that i'm in this mess and i'm slipping away(8). maybe soon. maybe forever. i wonder if my pleas fall on deaf ears. i have cast my chains behind me. but can't seem to walk out that door. i don't want to run baby. so wreck my schemes. like you always do. but don't let me walk away. don't let me walk away from you. maim my body. mutilate my heart. i'm a casualty of you(9). so take me apart. though you will one day break me. only you can make me whole. i'm yours. for keeps.

you had me at hello(10).

killing me softly with his song...
(1) chicago bulls theme- "eye in the sky" (2) beatles- "chains" (3) fiona apple- "shadowboxer" (4) a perfect circle- "weak and powerless" (5) a perfect circle- "sleeping beauty" (6) portishead- "glory box" (7) cardigans- "my favourite game" (8) dope- "slipping away" (9) snake river conspiracy- "casualty" (10) jerry maguire