FANCY-NANCY and... YOUR GUIDE TO SUPER-AWESOME-NESS CH 1

hello there!

i'm chubblez/wan'er's alterego.
NO, NOT TOTOH.
NO, NOT MIAOMI.
FANCY-NANCY okay?
my name is FANCY-NANCY.

i'll be doing the talking today because chubblez isn't feeling up to it. so rejoice! clap your hands! scream the house down! FANCY-NANCY is definitely cooler YET hotter than chubblez-the-poser-britney-spears-wannabe.

just take a moment to make a comparison

here's super-loser-poser-wannabe-lame-hippie-chubblez


and here's ultra-intelligent-hot-babe-FANCY-NANCY


NO FIGHT RIGHT?

well, i'd have to warn you first. that i'm really condescending to chubblez and random-people-i-have-never-met-but-like-to-judge-anyway. like you. the reason i speak like that is because i am, as a matter of fact superior to all you losers. SERIOUSLY. chances are, if you're reading this, you're not that cool anyways. so BEAT IT if you like. or bear with the abuse.

if you haven't beaten it and decided to subject yourself to another dose of my abuse, good for you. for i am about to present the cure for your dorkiness- YOUR GUIDE TO SUPER-AWESOME-NESS, which i have so graciously authored. this guide is about stuff i like and why it all rocks so much.

have you ever had a really hard time choosing between brands? or products? and stuff? i would think so. given your indecisiveness. and i am not generalising. stupid people are indecisive. don't lose hope though, for i am about to tell you the answers to ten of the most challenging decisions you'll face in your wretched, mundane, muggle existence from the brand of your toothpaste to the type of music you listen to.

here's a breakdown of the chapters you can expect to be seeing...
CHAPTER 1 TOOTHPASTE where i help you achieve pearly, white teeth with ice-fresh breath.
CHAPTER 2 FACIAL PRODUCTS where help you with the flawless face you've been dreaming of.
CHAPTER 3 HAIRCARE PRODUCTS where i reveal the secret to healthy, shiny hair.
CHAPTER 4 BODYCARE PRODUCTS where i help you achieve soft, beautiful skin.
CHAPTER 5 EYELASH PRODUCTS where i help you with those ayumi-lashes you've wanted forever.
CHAPTER 6 FRAGRANCE where i help you smell like a flower. all day. everyday.
CHAPTER 7 BOOKS where i offer you the best reads for the least time and eyestrain.
CHAPTER 8 MUSIC where i teach you how to sound like you actually know something.
CHAPTER 9 FOOD where i decide the battle between Ding Tai Feng and Crystal Jade.
CHAPTER 10 BRAIN where i tell you the correct way to think so you can appear more intelligent.

chapters will be posted in installments because FANCY-NANCY actually has a life and doesn't have the kind of time to write articles to help cure losers. i don't even know if you can cure dorkiness. i'll try my best though. doing my bit for charity all the time.

follow my instructions to the letter and you will be super-awesome in no time. i have to warn you though, that the guide is more suitable for the ladies than the men. so men, use your discretion, alright? i hope that isn't too much to ask.

you should totally trust FANCY-NANCY and this guide because i have spent A HELL LOT of good money experimenting with these products and brands. so don't ask me if i'm sure. I AM SURE.

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YOUR GUIDE TO SUPER-AWESOME-NESS
CHAPTER 1- TOOTHPASTE

do not ever underestimate the effect of brushed teeth on awesomeness. even ugly-chubblez brushes her teeth!


for a good brushing, we need a couple of tools.

definitely, you need a good toothbrush. just in case you haven't seen one, here's how it looks like.

NO, NOT THE ONE ON THE RIGHT! THAT IS WHAT WE CALL A TOOTH!

if you're a SUCKER, you can get "Oral-B- the brand most dentists recommend". if you're a *pause* BRUSHER? i think the "Aquafresh" toothbrush will suffice.

but what i'm more interested in is toothpaste. you know? that thing you use with a toothbrush?

NO! NOT THAT THING ON THE RIGHT! THAT'S A TOOTHBRUSH, REMEMBER? I'm TALKING ABOUT THAT THING ON THE LEFT!

and believe me when i say we really have too many brands of toothpaste out there. there's "Colgate" and "Darlie" and "Crest" and "Oral-B" and "Rembrandt" and "Pearl White" and "Aquafresh" and "Sensodyne" and "Butler" and "Squigle" and "SuperSmile" and "Kodomo" and goodness knows what else.

but let's just narrow it down, shall we? let's take away all the toothpaste brands that are rip-offs. after all, toothpaste is only in your mouth for something like two minutes a day if you're diligent or not at all if you're ray. after that zero - two minutes, NORMAL people spit it out. and that spit is, literally, money going down the drain.

then again, if you are not normal and drink toothpaste water, money is not an issue... YOU are. i would then suggest you get a herbal toothpaste.
herbal toothpaste by "Herbal Toothpaste". *take a moment to marvel at the creative branding* i bet this offers superior nutrition. i bet it helps prevent cancer. i bet it helps you lose weight.

after eliminating the rip-offs, we're down to "Darlie" and "Colgate", which i believe are the two top-selling brands in cheapo-infested singapore.

contender #1: DARLIE

"Darlie" toothpaste used to be known as "Darkie" toothpaste until some idiots decided it was racist. seriously, how is "Darkie" racist? if "Darkie" is racist, "Pearl White" is racist too. saying "Darkie" is racist is like saying whitening/tanning products are racist. it is also like saying the words "light", "black", "white", "yellow", "red", "brown" are racist. it's also like saying "I AM RACIST AND STUPID".

trust me, the truly racist ones are those who NOTICE these things. and the lousy reasoning reeks of dumb-assed-ness. UGH!

anyhow, the "Darkie" wimps have since changed its name and packaging. check out the new "Darlie" packaging too, i'm sure you'll agree that using a white man on its packaging is far less racist than using a black man. seriously.


contender #2: COLGATE

"Colgate" is one brand of twenty-seven different types of toothpaste for every type of teeth, including "Colgate-Total", "Colgate Sensitive" and "Colgate Whitening". "Colgate-Palmolive" is also the name of the company that owns "Colgate" AND "Darlie".

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Academic Paper: "Darlie" Versus "Colgate

hypothesis: "Colgate" is better than "Darlie"

methodology: secondary research

findings:

#1 "Colgate" gives you as much as 12-hour protection EVEN after eating and drinking

this actually only applies to colgate-total, which is really THE "COLGATE" to get.

#2 "Colgate" has a really wide range.
even if you have special needs, "Colgate" definitely has a product for you.

"Colgate" has ELEVEN ranges of TWENTY SEVEN toothpastes, including "Colgate Total", "Colgate Max Fresh", "Colgate Sensitive", "Colgate Fresh Confidence", "Colgate Cavity Protection", "Colgate Tartar Control", "Colgate Simply White", "Colgate 2-in-1", "Colgate Sparkling White", "Colgate Baking Soda" and "Peroxide" and "Colgate Kids".

compare this with "Darlie's" ONE range of TWO products- the "Regular Darlie" and "Whitening Darlie". ooh! do you see the racism? bad, darlie, bad!

#3 "Colgate" owns "Darlie". in more ways than one.

#4 "Colgate" is used by your toothy dentist

if "Oral-B" is the brand most dentists recommend, "Colgate" is the one most dentists USE.
hello? dentists poor la. recommending rip-off "Oral-B" but USING cheap "Colgate" can make alot of money you know? *dentists don't sue me! i am even poorer than you guys*

#5 "Colgate" has a website.
"Darlie" doesn't have a website to contradict me.

and most importantly...

#6 "Colgate makes the world smile.

awwwwwwww...

conclusion:
"Darlie" SUCKS. "Colgate" ROCKS. BUY "Colgate".

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now you all, take a moment to marvel at my systematic research and elegant thought process. isn't FANCY-NANCY the epitome of brilliance here? seriously!



*psssst* *pssssst* *pssssst*
you want to know why FANCY-NANCY is so damned smart?
you really want to know???
you reeally really want to know???
GREAT!
go find out. and tell me. i also want to know.

okay man, watever.

FANCY-NANCY has to go la. she has a date with ten naked hotties. i know you guys can't wait for the next installment. can't wait to see FANCY-NANCY-this-hottie, right? but no choice okay? bo pian la. see you losers next time!

CONGRATULATIONS!
you're now only nine steps away from
SUPER-AWESOME-NESS!!!