the chubblez-ator 1000
this post has been butchered because ray is acting like he has a stick up his ass.
many different people have subtly expressed annoyance with pure social bloggers. according to KYT, who is one of said "many people", two types of blogs exist- social and informational. social blogs are generally about daily lives while informational blogs "contain niche news and personal opinions on issues". personally, i have nothing against social bloggers, seeing how i am very clearly one.
some other people have also expressed annoyance with induhviduals or stupid people. personally, i have EVERYTHING against such people. one of the reasons i hate myself so much is that i'm an induhvidual most of the time.
however, it has come to my attention, that a new menace is spreading and slowly taking over the world!!!
be afraid. be very afraid.
for i now present...
CIRCUMLOCUTORIES.
(i thought a needlessly long name would suit them very well).
circumlocutories are...
"homosapiens that expend inordinately prolix and operose vernacular to synthesise a circumstance".
this roughly translates into
"people who use unnecessarily long and difficult language to make a point".
i, alas, am such a person.
circumlocutories are great because we add color to boring content. because we are willing to spend time writing in less straightforward ways, we offer to the world (1) poetry, (2) condecsension, (3) creative spelling and (4) graphic detail. and most importantly, (5) amusement.
however, circumlocutories pose a very big problem to society. firstly, we reduce productivity. by writing in such difficult and long-winded prose, we often waste our own time and that of readers- UNNECESSARILY. we also occupy paper space, computer space and bandwidth- UNNECESSARILY. secondly, circumlocutories generate misunderstandings. because circumlocutories are fond of using thesauruses (our most loyal accomplice) WITHOUT dictionaries, we often set ourselves up to be misunderstood.
indeed, it is all good and well to read articles by circumlocutories... WHEN ONE HAS THE TIME, SPACE AND BANDWIDTH. but when one doesn't, one could really do with articles that come straight to the point, in simple, short sentences.
so how?
how do we manage circumlocutories such that we read their articles in all their verbose glory when we have the resources and summarise their content when we don't?
not to worry, i now present to you...
THE CHUBBLEZ-ATOR 1000
guaranteed to transform long, difficult rubbish into simple, understandable english.
works on poetry, condescension, creative spelling and graphic detail.
comes complete with shortener, simplifier, think-check and do-check
let me illustrate its efficacy.
............................................................................................................................
demonstration #1- poetry
LOOK! twelve lines of gibberish!
"the serenity of having the fountain of peace flow from within has definately taken me by surprise . being human , i would be aggitated at being misunderstood , probably would like to wrestle the problems and try to pin and nab down everyone who turns my life topsy turvy . but like i said . weird as it does sound . i have found the lord again and his peace has taken me to new heights i could never embrace on my own accord .all those poison lashings and scornful scratches doesn't make me flinch and it certainly doesn't rankle . its funny how some people would like to waste their time and life judging other people and trying to sum up the lives of others, probably even going to an extent of sketching out a whole lifestyle of another with their own imagination or supposed hear say . these people certainly put the writers of "days of our lives" to shame and i feel sorry that these people are not investing good quality time trying to build friendships and relationships with people they love and treasure instead of withering away, trying to slain ,slander and burn ..."
- fiona xie. when i dd ream. www.delieriousdream.blogspot.com. 18 january 2005
apply chubblez-ator 1000 and you get...
"i was disturbed. i turned to God. now, i am not disturbed. the people who say bad things about me are meanies and have too much time"
think-check: THINK i am very religious, feel sorry for me and hate the meanies that disturb me.
do-check: DO write me sympathy messages and write xiaxue hate ones.
4 lines of readable english.
............................................................................................................................
demonstration #2- condescension
behold! 3 long hoity-toity, pompous-sounding paragraphs!
"Beijifeng,
whilst you are entitled to your own opinion, I have categorically stated which part of his behaviour I found unacceptable - with regards to making an incriminating judgement on another race. You would perhaps like to refer to my earlier posts before forming your impressions.
Secondly, i would like to point our that he is a scholar from the Public Service Commission (PSC), not PSA as you have stated. I would also like to kindly point out to my audience here that I am a recipint of an overseas scholarship, so to suggest that i have an axe to grind with this particular guy's remarks out of jealousy, is i feel, quite illogical and irrational. Regardless of the position he assumes, his remarks are morally indefensible. That he is a government scholar makes his lack of discretion even more unacceptable, in view of the positive values he is expected to propogate as a senior government official in the future.
Thirdly, I urge you not to making sweeping statements about the general state of racism amongst us. To take your example, to think i am superior does not give me the right to think that the race i feel i am superior to is disgusting or gross, especially with respect to his skin colour. And no, i do not think my race is superior. There are some positive qualities that my race personifies to a greater degree than others, but these differntiating qualities i do not feel make my race superior. To this extent, I believe I am fully entitled to think that I am in a morally meaningful sense less racist than the perpetrator himself, and I am extremely annoyed at presumptions like yours to the contrary. Beijifeng, you may think you are unable to rise above his levels of racism, but there is no need to attribute the same thing to everybody else. I am sure many others here will agree."
- posted by looking around. "Racist slur made by top government scholar CHUA CHENG ZHAN". hardwarezone forum. http://forums.hardwarezone.com/showthread.php?t=996432&page=4&pp=15. 20 April 2004.
apply the chubblez-ator 1000 and you get...
"first, read all my other posts.
second, i am an overseas scholar.
third, i am not racist. "
think-check: THINK i am very clever and not racist.
do-check: DO write posts praising me or/and flaming beijifeng.
3 short lines!!!
............................................................................................................................
demonstration #3- creative spelling
" So it all comz down 2 a qn of tyming. Take gurls wif esp developed breasts, 4 eg. At 13, mani of dem are horrified by deir bra size. 3 or 4 yrs later, dey're proud of da way dey fill out a bikini top and buy skimpy ones jez to show off wad dey've gut. In da meantym, not all of dem panic; many simply accept demselves as women. Dey learn 2 live, 2 luv and 2 move lyk women; dey becomeaccustomed to deir womanly figures, deir womanly cycles, deir womanly shapes, and, lyk women, dey learn 2 flirt, 2 seduce, 2 detect desire in a boi's eyez. But diz type of self-discoveri usually happenz slowli over da course of mani yrs--everi mth , and everi yr, u becum a little more self-aware. And b4 da tranformation is complete, u're forced to navigate between 2 worldz. Not realli a child animore, but not yet an adult; u flounder--in an-between stage. Lyk Britney Spears, who singz, "I'm not a girl, not yet a woman."
So why shld u be expected to dink u're beautiful wen u dun even noe who u r? And wen da wae u feel abt urself changez frm 1 minute to da next? In da morning da curves of ur hips or da hairs under ur arm seem unspeakably awful: u wish u din haf to grow so fast; u'd rather jez stay small n cute a little longer. Later, in da evening, ur 1/2-formed breasts or ur skinny chest seem ridiculously childlyk: u wish u could grow up faster, become more of a woman or a man, be bigger in certain key placez, lyk dat guy who wanted hiz nose enlarged. Ugly in da morning and unattractive in da evening--it seemz hopelez. But der iz a way out of da cycle--promiz!!"
seriously, i have NO IDEA what this blogger is getting at. fortunately, i have the chubblez-ator.
apply the chubblez-ator 1000 and you get...
you get...
you get...
oh, i think the chubblez-ator 1000 just hung on me.
okay, it's alright now.
apply the chubblez-ator 1000 and you get...
"a portion of a woman's life is spent as an awkward, ugly duckling. she blossoms out of it at the end of puberty. "
think-check: THINK i am very creative and intellectual.
do-check: DO tell me i am not an ugly duckling but a beautiful swan.
............................................................................................................................
demonstration #4 - graphic detail
(collected and abridged from different posts on her blog in a mere two weeks!!!)
"this night i went clubbing, my boss made a move on me. eight different guys checked me out and were anticiating all my actions. i met up with ten gorgeous, famous guys. one of them hinted about a date. a caucasian man checked me out several times. i can totally feel when people are checking me out. so disgusting. he followed me really closely, forced me to dance with him and said really scary stuff. oh help me! why do all the caucasians seem to love me? *repeat same material thrice*. i don't know why so many people like me. i really really really don't."
"i went out with four different guys at the same time today. we did blah blah and blah"
" this guy i met at *insert occassion* messaged me on friendster today and told me he has had a crush on me for like, forever. *insert entire friendster message about six lines long*. i am so absolutely, utterly shocked. my tao hua yun is so strong! i don't know why."
"my ktv session is confirmed with eight different guys."
"i got picked up today at this place. i was doing blah blah blah and i think he is so damn *insert negative adjective*. what he said to me is sooooo shocking. *insert entire conversation between blogger and guy that is totally BORING and EXPECTED and eleven lines long*. i actually gave him my number. i am so stupid leh. how?"
"today was a great day at clubbing because i got picked up by a grand total of FIVE foreigners. i am not proud of it but surprised and annoyed at the same time. *insert emotions and theories expounding her exotic appeal to caucasians*"
"i went out with this guy today. he says he is practicing his flirting on me. *insert compliment #1 that she thinks is funny but is NOT*. *insert compliment #2 that she AGAIN thinks is funny but AGAIN is NOT*.
apply chubblez-ator 1000 and you get...
"i am immensely popular with guys. all of them think i am really hot, pretty and sexy but i don't think so."
think-check: THINK i am really hot, pretty and sexy but not in the least conceited.
do-check: DO pay me more compliments to convince me i am indeed very hot, pretty and sexy.
............................................................................................................................
see! the merits of the chubblez-ator 1000! if you should ever need the use of one, it is available on loan from myself.
............................................................................................................................
now, i'm sure many of you have noticed this is an exceedingly long entry. so there must be a point to it, right?
well, if you think my point is that "i hate circumlocutories", good for you. you are very clever.
*silence*
*pin drops*
oh alright, alright. ALRIGHT.
in the name of fairness, i shall apply the chubblez-ator 1000 on my own post.
are you ready?
here's what i've been trying to say.
OH NO!!! it seems the chubblez-ator has chosen this time to malfunction!!!
hooray! no one will ever know what i'm thinking!
*silence*
*tense atmosphere*
not buying this?
OH ALRIGHT! I CONFESS!!!
chubblez-ator 1000 is still up and functioning.
it reads:
"i am intellectually superior to some people because i can identify the subliminal messages and motives in their extremely long posts.
think-check: THINK i am a meanie-snob.
do-check: DO get very offended and flame me.
............................................................................................................................
*blushes deep red*
see what i mean by circumlocutories adding "color" to articles?
it wouldn't have been quite as fun reading if i had just posted the summarised version, would it?
i hope those who read this actually had the resources (time, bandwidth) to. otherwise, i'll lend you the chubblez-ator 1000 next time!
posted by WaN'eR at 2:57 PM
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