diving

this is such an outdated post.

my friends will know that last weekend, i was away in tioman on a scuba diving trip. i spent the first part of the week attending theory and swimming pool lessons. being the perfectionist that i am, i went all out to make sure ray and i would lack nothing on the trip. thus, the miniature shampoo, miniature soap, sunblock, after-sun lotion, motion sickness pills, tampons, you get the idea.

it would have been a perfect trip. if not for one thing. i didn't dive. as you can see, the fact that i didn't dive has affected me so bad i haven't been blogging for a whole 2 weeks and after so long, i still want to write an entry on it.

what simply happened was that i swam out a pretty long way with everyone else, nearly drowned because my equipment was weighing me down too much, panicked and decided i didn't want to go down any more, whereupon i swam back to shore on my own. i spent the rest of the day lazing at the beach. beautiful as it was, i was not having a good time.

i was both embarassed and annoyed with myself and i wrote "i am such a loser" countless times in the sand. this, needless to say, only made me feel even worse. the worst part about the whole damn thing was that i was surrounded by people that had the guts to go down and were talking about their dive experiences.

well, if there's a silver lining in this cloud, it's that i feel like i understand ray a whole lot more.

much of the time, i think he looks down on me for "not having enough confidence", "not getting enough exercise", "not thinking for the future" and being a "a lazy bum who refuses to move at all. all day stay at home watch TV, sleep or surf net ." (he actually wrote this about me to some girl he used to have the hots for) naturally, i thought that my chickening out of diving would disappoint and annoy him. so i was surprised that instead of being disappointed, he was very comforting about the whole thing.

all along, i thought that he had awfully high expectations of me and was trying to change me into someone i am not- active, daring or just "garang". (ooh, i picked up this word from a friend of ray's. he talks about being or wanting to be "garang" all the time . it's hilarious.) but how he acted after the diving fiasco told me otherwise. he told me that when i agreed to go for the trip, it already made him very happy. and he felt proud of me for going through the lessons and the swimming pool. it was then that it dawned on me that he doesn't have ridiculously high expectations of me, it's just my whole damn attitude he's so upset about. he doesn't mind that i didn't manage to get into the water but he would have minded if i refused to go on the trip at all!

okay, let's digress... it's a little like passing a driving test which many people presume is about showing the instructor you have the necessary skills and more. i, on the other hand, believe it's all about your attitude. i think instructors know that the only way to being a good driver is to drive although driving lessons cost money. therefore, the DO WANT to give you your license so you can practice driving on your own. one, however, needs to first convince them that he/she has the right attitude. i'm sure they'd prefer to pass the guy who mounted the kerb but drove cautiously to the dude who made perfect turns but displayed a cocky and devil-may-care attitude.

back to diving. it's funny how the 2 activities (driving and diving) that scare me so much sound so alike. like i was saying, ray just wants me to have a better attitude toward trying new stuff, he doesn't need me to succeed the first time. reflecting on it, the dive trip wasn't a waste at all! i learnt many valuable things. and so as to salvage my diminishing self-esteem (the reason i don't like trying stuff is that the more things i try, the worse i feel about myself because i'm more apt to fail than succeed), i've decided not to give up and get that open water certification!!!
 
i'm going to get it in november/december. so if you're reading this and interested in diving, let me know and maybe we can do this together!